Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize