Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
