so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
