Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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