I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
