my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You can't motorboat a personality
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
