I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
