He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The beer is more important than you right now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
