So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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