wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
