I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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