The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
