your parents love me but you hate me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I did not marry a roomba.
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