Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
