don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
