Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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