Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
