This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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