At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
