I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
