so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
