so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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