I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
