ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
