I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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