You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
