well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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