So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
