Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
