Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
