after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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