Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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