that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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