it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
