One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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