For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
