I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
