Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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