fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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