She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
