Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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