Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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