I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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