I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
