Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
