At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
