Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
