just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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