Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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