also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
