dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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