sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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