When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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