The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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