meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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