how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
