i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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