This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
